Now I know why you always went alone. Out here… here in this accursed place there is only one person you can trust. Yourself. Looking back in retrospect it is kind of funny in a sad, ironic way. A kind favour paid back in unkind circumstances. Maybe she just gave in, confirming something that we’ve all feared as the weeks, months and years went by. Heh, that’s a good one. I’ve gone delusional. Kara please forgive me. I really tried (I really did) but I know now what you’ve probably always known; I could never be a stalker like you. You were one of a kind Kara, and I killed you.

---

“Kara, come on now I’m almost 18 now and corporal Stevenson says I’ve got a crack shot and enough balls to join the army. Here look, he gave me a pair of army boots,” I grin as I hold out my prize like a fresh catch.

Turning to me she whips a look at me that would wither flowers like an unexpected chill. Inside I cringe, just a little, but I had to show her I am made of sterner stuff. Placing the newly cleaned and inspected Makarov on the kitchen table Kara lazily spins in her chair to face me. My silly grin began to waver as she studies me.

Without smiling she says, “Then join the army, Kurt. Maybe then the good corporal could baby sit you instead.”

I instantly regret my actions as I stomp to the nearest chair sitting down and then slamming my boots down on the table. Her tone changes from stern to amused and I feel the heat creep into my cheeks. She shifts again to face me.

“Look you don’t know what it’s like… out there, alone. You need to do a little more living before you begin to flirt with dying. It’s not that I don’t want to take you along but it is hard enough staying alive myself without…” she trails off, not even looking at me.

Tears threaten to ruin my demeanor and I choke them down with the last of my dignity. “You can finish saying it. Without looking after poor old me, you mean. I can take care of myself. I know I can. I just need a chance to prove it to you. Besides you wouldn’t have to be alone out there with me by your side.”

“You know what I mean Kurt. And besides, who are you really trying to impress? Me, yourself, or your father,” it would have hurt more, her mentioning my father, had she not given me that slight shadow of a smile that Kara gets when she’s thinking of that little house with the fountain and the garden that she left when all this started. I really feel that I am in love with her then. So rarely does she smile these days. Not after the zone incident. I think she lost some close friends and family here. Then just like all of us she’s here, and just like all of us she is looking for something. Only I know what I’m looking for.

“You always bring up my father whenever we talk about this, it just isn’t fair.”

“Life’s never fair kiddo. In the end you’re always lucky just to break even. Then again. Alright I promise I won’t say another thing about your father.” That smile is gone and replaced by a silly grin. It looks a little forced but I don’t make any comment.

Not giving in, I remark, “You always say that too.”

Giving me a melodramatic look of shock she asks sarcastically, “Really? I never noticed.”

With that she began inspecting her other weapons giving no sign of notice as I picked up her Makarov. Its bluish metallic sheen belies its deadly intentions. Cold and hard it was lifeless. It has always felt lifeless to me. Some guys talked about how it was a rush to hold or fire a weapon but I never felt that way. It is just another tool and one that only took life, either the spark reflected from you or that same spark away from someone else. The first time I held a gun was when I was seven. I still remember that day my father was laughing and my mother was there too. She was beautiful. I remember her smile and her scent. The way she touched my face and kissed me when I cried. Then the flash. Thunder and lightning, or was it the other way around. The recoil spun me painfully. All I remember then was the blood and my mother’s smile. Blood and roses.

“Hey kiddo, you done playing with that or am I going to have to wait for you to die of old age?”

I don’t know how long I spaced out there but Kara’s voice snapped me back into reality. With one last playful flourish I hand the gun back to Kara. “Why do you still use this weapon, Kara. I mean with all the hardware lying around I’m sure something better ought to show up.”

She gives me an annoyed look. “Look now, unlike those swaying braggarts out there I’m not here to kill and blow things up. I just want answers. Like I said, maybe you’re better off with Karlof or that military stalker he hangs around with, Brett or Bent? How did I get saddled with you in the first place?”

“It’s Burn… and you saved me from the mutants at perimeter G-8 when they broke through remember. I was the kid pissing himself. The one they said that ‘since you found me you can keep me’. Shit. I still remember the look my dad gave me that day.”

She touches my arm and I look up to see her sad smile, “You brought him up this time, ki… Kurt. You don’t have to be something you aren’t just to impress him you know. I like you just fine as the sweet young man that you are. And as I recall you weren’t the only one frozen with fear. Hell, I felt it too but I learnt to ignore it and it goes away. Eventually. It wasn’t you, Kurt. Those creatures out in the zone are not normal. The whole place is strange. Things just happen without any reason. That incident was the result of a failure in our anticipation of the zone’s inhabitant’s powers. We underestimated them and they took advantage of our laxity. That has nothing to do with who you are.”

“Damn it I’m not just a kid anymore. I know what I felt and a real man wouldn’t have just stood there and shit his pants,” I yell angrily as I brush her hand off my arm. I don’t even know who I’m angry at her or myself. A little of both maybe.

Kara gives me a sad look, “A ‘real man’ would get over it and focus on the future not sit pathetically in the shadows of his failures.”

Perhaps a little too hungrily I blurt out, “That is exactly what I’m trying to do! But you won’t let me. You keep trying to push me away! Every time I ask to go with you into the zone you brush me off. I’ve trained hard and the fact remains that I look up to you. The other stalkers are different. Just like you said, they are in it for the kicks or out of duty or the money, or whatever! You are the only one I would trust my life to. Karlof or Burn would leave me to die the first instance I became a burden. I know I’m not experienced. I know I should enlist first but it isn’t what I want! I want to be a stalker like you! I’ve heard the others talk about you.”

“Oh and what do my peers have to say,” she asks with a certain feigned disinterest.

I glance up to her dark eyes looking for some sign. “They say you are one of the best stalkers out in the field. At least some of them. Others say you are a coward and a sneak and that the only reason you’re still working is that you run away from everything and everyone.” It was a gamble but one has to throw the dice sometime. Bingo! A small flash of anger strikes through her eyes. A small vicious smile creeps up one side of her lips.

“And what do you think, hmm,” she put me back to the test.

“I think you are the best damn stalker there is and that is why I want to learn from you. This isn’t for anybody else, this is for me.”

Just as the clouds parted for an instant, just before I could celebrate my petty triumph the barrier closes again leaving me guessing at her state of mind again. Kara looks into my eyes long and hard. This is it, the breaking point, deep in my heart I know that this is the one penultimate moment when she’ll either refuse and never bring up the subject again or to take me one step closer to my final goal.

“Deal.”

That softly spoken word has never dumbfounded me like this before. Something lifts from my shoulders with that the world and my problems evaporate like the morning dew.

“Here, catch.” The Makarov glints seductively in the morning light as she tosses it over to me. As I catch the weapon it feels strange to hold it. I’ve held it on many occasions before but this time it is different. Much like donning a uniform makes one a soldier Kara’s act of giving me her gun is the affirmation that I am a stalker.

“But Kara I thought you loved this Makarov.”

Kara gives me an odd look. “The Makarov? No. It’s just a gun. It’s the fact that it is the very gun Mikeal gave to me when he took me under his wing. Hmm. It seems so long ago. But it has been only three months. Still, he was before your time. Needless to say, Mikeal was my mentor and as a mentor I am passing the weapon on to you.”

Something in her voice stirred a feeling of jealousy in me. Fearing the worst and braving the unknown I ask, “So you are in love with Mikeal.”

“Was in love with.”

I couldn’t help but feel relief to my everlasting shame. “What happened to him?”

“The same thing that could happen to all of us, Kurt. He simply disappeared. The life is uncertain and the life of a stalker more so as an exponential factor. That is why I needed to know for certain that this is what you truly want. There is no looking back. Once you cross the threshold and become one of the participants of this grand drama looking back can get you killed. There must be no reservation in your mind; that is the first of many keys. Once you’ve unlocked your potential then you can truly say you are a stalker. There are worse things out there than I care to count and you must be prepared to tackle each obstacle both physically and mentally. So one last warning Kurt. We are going out there and there are no such things as test runs and no amount of training can prepare you for what you may encounter out there. There is still time to change your mind. Your life back from the zone is still there.”

I could see her eyes probing my resolve. Gritting my teeth I set my destiny in motion. “I am ready. I have no life but the life I have here now. I will be a stalker.”

Looking out past the window into the courtyard with the concrete barriers Kara’s tone changes more darkly solemn. “One last thing. If … if anything should happen. You know. Out of the ordinary. If I seem out of sorts or you know. Rule one: be sure and aim true. Know that I would do the same for you.”

The rest of the morning went along without another word as fast was broken and gear sorted and mounted. The last of the morning sun still peeked out from under a blanketing grey as we moved past the scarce population of the barracks. In the distance a familiar hypnotic hum of the Mi-24’s returning from the morning recon blended in with the sounds of the camp. People talking and laughing. The odd harsh words being exchanged. It seemed so different now. I was the outsider then looking in. But now it was a part of me and seemed that way for the month I’ve been here.

I traveled all this way from Pittsburgh to here to see my father and the only time I really saw him was at that moment. That damning moment. Things never were close between us after the accident. He blames me and himself, and he shuts himself away to hide the pain. That’s why he volunteered for the position of commander of the barracks here in section G. The military was always part of his life and now it is all he knows.

“Kurt?” A man in battle-dress addresses me, his voice nondescript filtered through one of the countless biohazard masks issue by the military. I look up and take note of his emblazoned uniform. ‘M.Stevenson’. The corporal Mark Stevenson was the first babysitter assigned to me by my father and I don’t resent that at all. Corporal Stevenson is a laid-back kind of guy with a quirky sense of humour. He is easy-going and fun to hang out with. Even if it is in the army mess hall. Being the first friend I made here at the zone it is no wonder I hold him dear.

I grin and give the corporal a lazy salute. “Looking sharp soldier,” I bark over the droning of the cut engines of the copter he just came out of. The pilot signals the ground crew as they begin their routine maintenance checks and the from open side doors the rest of the recon team unload their equipment. In the dying sunlight I can still see the smoke bleeding into the hazy air from the side mounted machinegun. “I see you’ve run into some trouble. Rather close to the perimeter too.”

Corporal Stevenson laughs and pats me on the shoulder then struggles out of his mask. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. At least trouble for the enemy. Just another pack of deadheads straying too close. Damn it though. It seems another outpost must have fallen. This bullshit is getting old and I’m tired of shooting our own. Still, we’re still alive and section G is locked down tighter than a nun’s knickers, or so the saying goes.” He gives me a mischievous wink.

“Headed out I see. And with the ever so charming Kara as well. Does your father know about this?” Stevenson asks casually.

“I don’t think he cares at this point,” I respond.

He looks up at the sky thoughtfully for a moment, shielding his eyes with his hand. “I wouldn’t put it past him, son. But I can’t vouch for the colonel. I would like for you to at least tell him before you go out.”

“We are wasting time Kurt. The corporal obviously has things to do and we are in his way. Corporal,” Kara prompts Stevenson.

“Yeah,” he looks over to Kara and back at me, “Papers and stuff. Look here Kurt, I’m not one to sugar-coat anything here. The zone. It’s all-out war and fucking scary shit happens out there. I would rather have you enlist if you want to check out the zone, at least you’ve got Uncle Sam looking out for you, no offence to you,” he nods to Kara who simply looks away.

“No, Stevenson. I’ve made up my mind, and I don’t think anyone is truly safe out there no matter who or what you’ve got with you.”

“Alright, then. If your mind’s made up. I just wanted to give you a heads up. You take care of him hey Kara,” He looks over to her and tousles my hair. I always hated that.

Kara nods and begins to walk over to the inner gate. Giant concrete walls and barricades of all descriptions make up the barrier at the perimeter. Barbed wire and bulwarks to keep the wolves at bay. The various entrances and checkpoints are guarded by two gates the inner gate is little more than a bunker with sliding metal door. The guards are rotated hourly to minimize any perceived problems. The outer gate is much less impressive. Not really a gate in any sense but symbolic. It isn’t any great big door that keeps the unwanted out, not that there aren’t the barriers still, but it’s more or less guarded by hot lead. Twin towers with floodlights and machinegun nests stand vigilant over the opening to the barrier. It never fails to fill me with a sense of awe and a little of dread to stray near these guardians.

“Hey Kurt!” Stevenson yells before I get out of earshot, “Do you want me to tell him for you?”

I shook my head no as I waved goodbye to him.

Trees sway listlessly to the tuneless wind as it winds through the desolate ground. Skeletons of buildings jut out like so many giants of long ago. Empty eyes gaze sightlessly to the ever expanding horizon, silent witnesses to the horrors of the zone. It seems so strange and alien for a landscape once rife with life to now be so utterly barren. Just past the perimeter and the barrier lay the remains of the city and the focal point of the whole problem. Again I walk away from another world to embrace the new and unknown. A slight shiver chills me despite the warm summer wind. I am excited and scared, and I grip the gun ever so slightly more tightly. Its presence alone is reassuring just like Kara by my side.

“So where are we headed?”

She turns her head to the left and gives me a look of exasperation and replies, “I marked it on your GPS unit. It’s the last place I went to look when the blowout forced me back. It used to be a research station or something. There are some documents I never had the chance to peruse. After that we’ll head northwest to do a little prospecting. After all, mad scribbling doesn’t pay the bills and I’m running low on some ammo. We’ll follow this road up a little ways. Be careful and check the surroundings for any unusual phenomenon.”

Lifting her rifle so she could shift it out of the way Kara checks her GPS unit in the front pocket of her green camo flack vest. She makes a mental note and follows the road on right side always checking the buildings for any movement.

The road is in bad shape. Potholes and debris would have made any vehicular travel, other than in a tank, troublesome. I found myself wishing we could have hitched a ride in one of the helicopters. Signposts and traffic lights are conspicuously absent. The few that remained were mostly illegible and they stood out like sickly stalks of rust. Being one of the mainly traveled roads out of the barracks there is a distinct lack of anything. I’d imagined that there would have been at least a couple other stalkers or military personnel out with us but we are all alone. The only sign of anyone else passing is the dusty trail of the half-track APC that went out ahead of us dotting the wretched road. I think I saw some scientist peering through binoculars standing out from the top hatch. Riding on top of the carriage and manning a .50 Cal, the gunner waved at us when they passed by. Kara ignored him but I smiled and waved back. The loneliness is oppressive, and I am really glad that Kara is with me.

“So. Did you ever look for him. Mikeal I mean. You know if you don’t want to talk about it it’s okay with me. It’s just this being my first time… I, I’m kinda scared,” I stammer out.

“Look it’s probably better if we stayed quiet. The less attention out here the better,” she looks as me. I expected harsher words but I couldn’t help myself. Her expression softens, ever so little, and begins again. “Well, I did look for him.”

Picking up on my advantage I continue to press on, “So did you ever find him. Was he…” I listened eagerly for her to continue. The only response is the soft crunching of gravel under her boots.

Deciding that I really should be concentrating on staying alive I shut up and look over to the left. Small blotches of sunlight lancing through the patchwork sky created an eerie effect thrusting through the gutted buildings. If I look hard enough I could almost see… something.

“Kara. I think someone’s over there. Over by the department store. At least I think it was a store,” stopping I nod over to where I thought I saw movement.

Shadows and light made her squint her eyes as she attempts to penetrated the jumbled mess inside. “I don’t think anything is over there. Besides we’re not here to…”

A cry. I hear someone cry out as in pain. I interrupt her, “Did you hear that? It might be someone who is hurt. I’m sure someone is over there!”

“Leave it Kurt. If there is something over there I didn’t hear it and if it is another stalker why hide in there? Something isn’t right. We should move on.”

I can’t just leave someone to die out here when I could do something to help. It isn’t right. Something compels me to cross the road.

“Kurt. Kurt! Damn it!” As I dash across the road she turns towards me and drops her pack. The crying gets louder as I near the blasted entrance of the building. Darkness shrouds the interior with the clouds covering the sun again. Broken bits of furniture and large chunks of debris dislodged from the top floor saturate the ground level. I can almost feel it close by. Dust churns up as I step into the doorway. Sounds are coming from the next floor. Almost like I am underwater or in a dream, I can hear someone shouting behind me but I can’t hear who it is or what is being said. It doesn’t matter anyways. I’m so close.

I resist the temptation to dash up the stairs but hurry up nonetheless. A corridor lined with black soot greets me on top. While relatively intact, the top floor is crumbling and I can see the iron girders wrenched out of the concrete like frozen sinew. Luckily there isn’t as much damage as I feared. There is also the faint smell of blood. Only one of the doors is open and I make out a wet handprint on the doorjamb. The second door on the left. Hopping over one gaping hole in the ground I make it to the half open door. Striped with dust and grime the door is barely hinged on the wooden frame. It makes little noise as I brush by it and enter the room. Something grabs me by the shoulder and I could only think that it is the enemy. Fuck! I should have unholstered my weapon before hand but I fumble for it as I hear a roaring in my head. A flash lights up the room and I feel myself falling. The brief illumination at least gives me a moment to register a blurry shadow. Enough to aim and squeeze off a quick snapshot. Corporal Stevenson would have been proud.

Pain jars me to my senses as I hit the ground hard. I lost my grip on the Makarov. After a long hard minute, sunlight again filters through the shattered cage of the room and I find myself looking at the bleeding corpse of a grotesque mockery of nature. A brown skinned creature with long gangly limbs and a distended neck lies bleeding from several puckered wounds. The latest being a definitely final punctuation to the forehead. Blackish grey matter colours the wall behind it where it had huddled next to a broken bed. Slowly it drips trailing fingers down the wall. Kara.

Looking down I wince with pain. Kara? No. It can’t be. She is lying on her side away from me. Where is my gun?

“Kara? Kara, are you alright?”

She doesn’t respond. But that’s okay. It is just like usual. She’s okay. Isn’t she?

I move over to her still body. God damn it all! Where is the justice? She saves me and I kill her. With a cry of anguish I slump down to the floor. It just isn’t fair! I should be the one dead. I can see the Makarov glinting in the sun. It would be so easy. We could just stay here together. I pick up the gun. Acrid smoke issues still from the barrel. It would be so easy. I blink the tears from my eyes and stand up. No, it isn’t going to end like this. She gave me a gift. I fucked it up but it’s alright. She said it herself; life isn’t fair and we just have to pick up the pieces and move on. Well, Kara I’ll take that advice. My goal still isn’t in sight but I can make it. I will be a stalker. And I’ll make you proud.